 Make them wonder why you're still smiling
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-Horoscope
You feel as though you just don`t have enough love to go around. The reality, however, is more along the lines of not being able to please someone who wants you to fix everything so that he or she doesn`t have to assume responsibility for a life that is going awry. Don`t succumb to this emotional blackmail.
This. Is. So. True.
"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel"
I am in one of those moods where if someone says the wrong thing, it'll get to me.
I hate being in this mood. It's best if I just avoid speaking to anyone... I want to talk to my boyfriend though. He makes me happy but I dont want to show him I'm upset. He doesn't like me being upset.
Dear Absent Father, Do you remember the weekend we went to Rome? It wasn't planned for long, didn't think about it much - we just went. We walked and we walked through the streets, laughing and filled with excitement. I was thrilled to be seeing the city for the first time with you. When we got there…God I was amazed. The city was bursting with a beauty that was unique to me. We had a good weekend. I wish it wasn't the only good memory I have of you.
I remember more than that, though I wish I didn't. I remember the weekends you wouldn't show up, the weekends you wouldn't even call. I remember the stories my mother told me of you beating her while she was pregnant with me, cheating on her - all because you weren't getting the attention you desired.
Now, an alcholoic. I remember the days you would ask me for money to buy yourself booze, a happiness that your child couldn’t seem to bring you. I remember the afternoons that turned into nights, the days that turned into weeks, and the months that turned into years as I waited for you pick me over alcohol - just one time. It never happened. I pleaded with you to get help. I wrote you letters. I asked you to be there for me, to stop pushing yourself further away, but you never turned around. You never stopped drinking. You were so far away by the time I realized what was going on that you were almost unreachable. But for months, I tried. I tried to figure out what was so wrong with me - what about me repelled you. I thought there was a part of me that you saw - the real me, a repulsive embarrassment. (My self worth, confidence, and self esteem do not exist even today, thanks.) I became plagued by anxiety and depression.. You weren't there for any of that. I honestly, and this is no exaggeration, cannot remember the last time you told me you loved me. I can't remember you ever doing that.
Finally, the time came when I knew I deserved better. I slowly began to cut you out of my life. You had yet another woman, and was prepared to put her before me. But you still had your alcohol addiction. You tried to stop, for her sake. Now she's gone and you've got nothing. But what's worse is you want nothing to do with your children.
I thought so much had changed but not really at all. I'm glad you're trying to sort out your problems. But I don't feel anything else for you. I do not love you anymore. I only feel regret for the relationship we could have had. I want a father, a paternal figure, but I don't want you. I exhausted all my efforts trying to fix what you broke. And you've still made no effort to approach me. So I am done beating a dead horse. I've gotten used to a life without you - I saw you 3 or 4 times last year. I need to move on. You made your choices years ago and now I am making mine. I wish you the best but I have to continue to fix what is still so wrong with me. I'm sorry it has come to this, but at the same time I'm not.
I want to be happy. And I'm going to think of myself this time.
I'd give anything to know your thoughts.
Those family arguments, etching away at my sanity. Further pushing me into the lonely darkness that has become my hiding place. Except I can't hide. I've tried hiding, but that ends worse. I try sitting there listening to what my family thinks I feel. They're wrong. They have no idea. And I have no control. It gets worse, suddenly it's all my fault. I sit there and listen. The significance of words. Sometimes I break down. Sometimes it's not me. Sometimes it’s my 9 year old brother. But what can I do to stop them? I end up getting hurt both physically and mentally. Nothing I can do. I can't even hide. And then I want someone to talk to. I need someone who'll understand. But there’s nobody I can turn to who will fully understand.
You see, nobody gets me, or my family. I guess we're just twisted because of one stupid man who ruined all our lives. The man who's supposed to be our dad.
He's lucky. He's able to hide away from it all.
Reading my words
Is like looking
Through a kaleidoscope
Into my soul
My emotions swirl
And constantly change
Into elaborate patterns
And collections of colours
Transforming every minute
Telling a story
Of pain and anguish
Or of happiness and hope
If you simply look
Through these words
You will truly see
Me
So let's talk about ORGAN DONATION! I recently became an organ donor and today I recieved my donor card in the post.
All of you would take an organ from a donor if you needed one to save your live. So if you'd be happy to receive one, why shouldn't you give one?
It's so simple, and your death could result in someone else getting a new chance at life. Who are you to deny them that opportunity?
I read this story once about this 10 year old. He died in a crash, and after seeing a programme not long before on Organ Donation, he wanted to sign up. His organs went on to save 5 other people's lives, something that will be remembered by those 5 people's families forever, because he gave them a second chance.
The thing is, you don’t know when death may grab a hold of you, and take your own life. There is no age limit to becoming a donor, so there’s no reason to put it off. Besides, it's easy and it means that if you do die unexpectedly, your death brings a new lease of life to others.
It's one of the best things I have ever done in my life.
Basically, I don’t think that love is something that can be defined. I think it’s different for every person, but I think once you find it, you just know. I can’t really explain how, but you just do. It’s something you feel with all of yourself I guess. It’s this feeling of calmness, this overwhelming sensation to tell every single person you know, this incredible urge to just smile all the time because someone out there gets you like no one else could. It’s listening to every single love song and nodding along, because you can relate. It’s when being away from that person hurts sometimes.
For me love is a lot of things, I feel like I can’t put most of it into words. To me, love is having someone who will always be there for me when I need someone, no matter what the situation, with no judgments. Someone who believes in me. Someone who makes me feel absolutely myself, someone I want to better myself for, who knows me better than anyone ever could. The one person I never want to say goodbye too, but makes me happy because it means that you’re one moment closer to saying hello to them again. A person I can’t go a day without thinking about. Someone who makes me feel carefree and beautiful. Someone who lights you up from the inside out. That goofy grin you get when they text you. Someone who is my best friend. I could keep this list going, but I guess I’ll stop now.
While being with my boyfriend, I wondered if he could really honestly care about me as much as I care about him. Something about that seemed a little impossible. It’s weird, sometimes little moments will just make me realize all over again that I’m in love with him. I guess the point of most of this ramble was just to say how lucky I feel to have someone like him in my life. You don’t always get second chances, and I refuse to take this one for granted, especially when this has so much potential and it makes me happier than I’ve been in many cases.
Sorry for the mushiness, I need to go to bed.
My idol is my Mother, my Mum. She is one of the strongest women I know - nothing will stop her pushing forward no matter how much it hurts. I can’t even begin to explain how much of an influence she still has on my life, I’d be totally lost without her. She always tries to keep smiling and will do anything to please others. She’s an amazing woman - and to be honest I can’t really write down all the emotions I feel because they’re so powerful. She’s guided me well, and I like to think I’ve turned out into a reasonable human being.
So this post is for her. <3
I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle things. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Finally, I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
At least once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A simple message during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.
PAPA ROACH AND YASHIN ARE TOURING TOGETHER. I think I am the happiest person alive right now.
5 things i'd like to say to 5 different people right now:
1. Why do you act the way you do?
2. I wish we never grew apart.
3. How could you have the nerve to say that?
4. You turned my world around, I love you.
5. You've always been there for me, through it all. Thankyou.
Isn't it amazing how a person who was once just a stranger,
suddenly meant the world to you?
You know that feeling? When you’re just waiting. Waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is right either. And you’re tired. Tired of everything, tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it’s okay. But no one’s going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself, because no one can fix you. But you’re tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once, you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won’t be. But you’re still hoping. And you’re still wishing. And you’re still staying strong and fighting, with tears in your eyes.
You’re fighting.
I guess I’m kind of a hard person to understand. If you know me really well you know that I don't really show my feelings but a lot of things annoy me - I’m trying to work on that. Also, I can’t make decisions for my life. Recently I’ve noticed that I get upset about the people that are closest to me, or the people I care about the most. These past few weeks, its been easy to get me in a bad mood and I've hated it. With my friends I can be a whole different person - happy and confident. I’m kind of shy around most people though. I will love you if you can make me laugh. But I mean I laugh at pretty much everything so… Truth is if im having a bad day or just dont feel good, laughing seriously makes me feel 100 times better. I love it. I dont really think before I say things and end up saying stuff I dont mean most of the time. But I guess thats life? Idk. I guess you could say that I live by quotes and song lyrics, cause I basically do; they inspire me. I listen to music until I fall asleep every night - I cannot go a day with out it. I am trying to appreciate what I have more than ever, and not take anything for granted. I never really knew who I was or what I wanted before but I think im finally figuring it out. I guess im just trying to be happy at this point :)
I get so disappointed sometimes. I guess most of that is my fault. I expect too much from you as my father. When something doesn’t happen, I get really upset and relesae my anger on the people around me because you’re not there for me to moan at. Not like it would make a difference, whenever you're with me, you act like my best friend. You’re all I can think about right now and it’s so unhealthy. I try so hard not to care, but I can’t help it. It’s so unfair how you have taken over this part of me that I can’t control. This part is so strong that it's blocking out every other sense I have. You always have an valid excuse for everything, an excuse I always consider. I don’t even have that hold over you. I guess im just deeper into this than you are. And it’s so unfair. Shouldn’t I have a right to care though? Shouldn’t I have the right to be disappointed? I should right? I guess I shouldn’t.
But as always, my true thoughts are left unheard by you.
When you're close to tears, remember someday it'll all be over...
Nothing like lighthouse family to cheer you up.
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