Do you remember the weekend we went to Rome? It wasn't planned for long, didn't think about it much - we just went. We walked and we walked through the streets, laughing and filled with excitement. I was thrilled to be seeing the city for the first time with you. When we got there…God I was amazed. The city was bursting with a beauty that was unique to me. We had a good weekend. I wish it wasn't the only good memory I have of you.

I remember more than that, though I wish I didn't. I remember the weekends you wouldn't show up, the weekends you wouldn't even call. I remember the stories my mother told me of you beating her while she was pregnant with me, cheating on her - all because you weren't getting the attention you desired.

Now, an alcholoic. I remember the days you would ask me for money to buy yourself booze, a happiness that your child couldn’t seem to bring you. I remember the afternoons that turned into nights, the days that turned into weeks, and the months that turned into years as I waited for you pick me over alcohol - just one time. It never happened. I pleaded with you to get help. I wrote you letters. I asked you to be there for me, to stop pushing yourself further away, but you never turned around. You never stopped drinking. You were so far away by the time I realized what was going on that you were almost unreachable. But for months, I tried. I tried to figure out what was so wrong with me - what about me repelled you. I thought there was a part of me that you saw - the real me, a repulsive embarrassment. (My self worth, confidence, and self esteem do not exist even today, thanks.) I became plagued by anxiety and depression.. You weren't there for any of that. I honestly, and this is no exaggeration, cannot remember the last time you told me you loved me. I can't remember you ever doing that.


Finally, the time came when I knew I deserved better. I slowly began to cut you out of my life. You had yet another woman, and was prepared to put her before me. But you still had your alcohol addiction. You tried to stop, for her sake. Now she's gone and you've got nothing. But what's worse is you want nothing to do with your children.

I thought so much had changed but not really at all. I'm glad you're trying to sort out your problems. But I don't feel anything else for you. I do not love you anymore. I only feel regret for the relationship we could have had. I want a father, a paternal figure, but I don't want you. I exhausted all my efforts trying to fix what you broke. And you've still made no effort to approach me. So I am done beating a dead horse. I've gotten used to a life without you - I saw you 3 or 4 times last year. I need to move on. You made your choices years ago and now I am making mine. I wish you the best but I have to continue to fix what is still so wrong with me. I'm sorry it has come to this, but at the same time I'm not.

I want to be happy. And I'm going to think of myself this time.